ResearchGuy®

Does anyone still read these?

2009-12-02T00:07:00.002-05:00

Does anyone still have time to write these?

I feel like I no longer have anything worth saying. I'd much prefer to sit with headphones on and listen to Pink Floyd's Divison Bell. I sometimes think maybe if I sit here and just keep typing some wondrous enlighting thought will spring forth from my fingers...

Hasn't happened yet.

Closing in on 41. No one told me that 40 isn't just an age but a waist size.

Time

2008-09-05T10:52:00.002-04:00

So much time gone by, so little time to reflect on the things in my life that slip by:

My kids getting older, gone back to school as the summer fades into autumn.

My first anniversary with the woman of my dreams.

A promotion.

Making new friends, finally meeting old ones.

Time is cruel and heartless, not giving a minute to catch up, indifferent to the moments we lose. Steal all that you can, seconds at a time.

Poor Lonely Neglected Little Blog

2007-07-30T19:34:00.000-04:00

I need to make some time for you - so much has happened.

I AM married now.

:)

You Know When You Have Chosen The Right Partner

2007-07-02T13:17:00.000-04:00

When you can have discussions like this, me engaging CoffeeGirl in a ridiculous conversation that started out this way:

RG:You know what the down side of being with someone for a long time is?

CG:No – what?

RG:That someone has to be left behind when one of us dies first.

CG:rolls eyes: No – probably we’ll go together?

RG:How?

CG:Something ridiculous, like we get some bad sushi and shit ourselves to death - you downstairs and me in the upstairs bathroom.

:long pause:

RG: I love you.

Tick Tick Tick

2007-05-23T10:42:00.000-04:00

I'm getting married. SOON!

I have this stupid smile I can't get rid of. I don't want to. Is it July yet??

Easter? Meh - I'm Waiting For Dyngus Day!

2007-04-06T07:34:00.000-04:00

WHAT IS DYNGUS DAY?

Historically a Polish-American tradition, Dyngus Day celebrates the end of the often restrictive observance of lent and the joy of Easter. Over the decades, Dyngus Day has become a wonderful holiday to celebrate Polish-American culture, heritage and traditions.

The custom of pouring water is an ancient spring rite of cleansing, purification, and fertility. The same is true of the complimentary practice of switching with pussy willow branches. Since 966 A.D., Dyngus Day has been associated with the baptism of Prince Mieszko I. Tradition states that Prince Mieszko I along with his court were baptized on Easter Monday. Thus, Dyngus Day and its rites of sprinkling with water have become a folk celebration in thanksgiving for the fact that the first king of Poland was baptized into Christianity, bringing Catholicism to Poland. In more modern times, the tradition continued when farm boys in Poland wanted to attract notice from the girls of their choice. It was custom to throw water and hit the girls on their legs with twigs or pussywillows. Cologne was used instead of water by the more gallant lads. The ladies would reciprocate by throwing dishes & crockery and Tuesday was their day of revenge, imitating the same tactics.

As the popular polka anthem explains, “Everybody’s Polish On Dyngus Day!” Many parties begin during the mid-morning on the Monday after Easter with a large buffet of traditional Easter foods (kielbasa, ham, fresh breads, eggs). It is common to hear polka music on Dyngus Day with the mandatory dancing of at least one polka. Many parties continue well into daylight on Tuesday. (A tip to the first time Dyngus participant….take Tuesday off from work.)

WHY PUSSY WILLOWS?

Pussy willows play a big part in Buffalo’s Dyngus Day celebrations as men and women flirt with playful “taps.” Branches of the plant are used as the pussy willow is one of the first “budding” plants of spring. But how did the pussy willow get its name? According to Polish legend, many springs ago, baby kittens fell into a raging river while chasing butterflies. The mother cat sadly wept at the river’s edge, pleading for help for her drowning kittens. The willows heard her mournful cries and swept their long graceful branches into the water. The kittens grabbed the branches, held on tightly and were safely brought to shore. Every spring, from that day on, the willows sprouted fur-like buds where the tiny kittens once clung.

Beer, dancing, and a story about drowning kittens. What's not to love?

Such Great Irony

2007-03-22T14:07:00.000-04:00

Anyone else catch this?

UPS using a Postal Service song? Probably the band's way of thumbing their noses at USPS.com. Heh.

What? Who? Seuss? Dylan?

2007-03-15T10:49:00.000-04:00

Well, yes it's a spoof, but a damn funny one. Spot-on Dylan here doing Green Eggs & Ham and more. What a larf!

Hear it here.

A Plea for Internet Radio

2007-03-06T14:29:00.000-05:00

A place that has meant a lot to me over the past few years is facing a crisis. Maybe you aren't aware, but music isn't really free - whether you listen over the radio or on the Internet. Sure, you don't have to pay, but for the stations that broadcast, they have to pay.

Up until now, there were formulas or agreements between these stations and the various groups (i.e. the RIAA) that allowed the recorded music to be broadcast. A recent decision by the U.S. Copyright Office has dramatically changed the landscape of this process for Internet Radio.

This unfair playing field seriously changes the way that music reaches the Consumer, and moves back towards an oligopoly of the large, bland providers determinig what we hear. I believe artists shouold be compensated, but I also believe that any medium that delivers their work to us should be treated similary, and that's not happening. Internet broadcasters may soon be facing extinction as their schedule of royalties could be equal to 125% of their income in some cases.

If you love music, Please Read and Sign This Petition. Take another moment and Write Your Elected Officials. Every voice counts.

Thanks.~

RG

Sock It To Me

2007-02-27T07:19:00.000-05:00

I didn't want my obituary to read "he died in a bizarre footwear incident." Damn if it didn't almost.

Let me preface this by saying all parties involved were clothed.

It is winter still, and yes it can get cold. But die Bücherstutze still likes being barefoot, as she was last night while working on the laptop while sitting on the bed. Coming over to her with the laundry I was folding, I placed a hand on one of her feet and apparently, I had nice warm hands. So after a little footrub to help warm the tootsies, I suggested a pair of socks from the basket.

I was about to pop one on her foot when I stopped and decided to pre-warm the sock by breathing into it. I know you've all done this with gloves - so have I. But never before with a sock. Never again.

Big hot breath into the sock, wind up for the second with a quick inhale and apparently I pulled a sock fuzzy right into my windpipe. Gak. Hork. Uh oh. Not good.

Took about 5 minutes trying to clear it before I could catch a breath. Kinda scary. A lot stupid. Embarrasing yes, but my first words once the tears cleared: "boy this will make a heck of a blog entry"

Few & Far Between...

2007-02-23T10:47:00.000-05:00

...are the times when I get a minute to sit and think succinctly about what I want to say here AND have the time to write it.

You may have noticed the countdown clock over there to the right. It is official - I am engaged. I asked, she said yes, I slipped the ring on her finger. There were tears and smiles and the guiding hands of two people that are probably yucking it up at the biggest bar in heaven, throwing back Black Labels and smoking Old Golds. Keep the date open folks: 07/07/07. More to follow, maybe even a wedding website.

Work has been hammering me with mandatory OT every week. More $$, less time at home. It's a tradeoff we all make I suppose.

Speaking of home, I am officially fulltimedly cohabitating with Die Bücherstutze. As long as the kids keep the peace and make nice happy-happies for the most part. I mean, I AM a realist and know there will be times when they'll be all cats & dogs. I was the youngest of 3 boys, so I get it. Or should I say I got it - good and hard.

New Music picks: The Bravery, and Rodrigo y Gabriela

Show me some love.

Birthday Hellions

2007-01-17T18:26:00.000-05:00

My Rats are 737 days apart. 2 years and 6 days.

We have New Years', then Big Rat B-Day, then Little Rat B-Day. Their mom decided that this past weekend would be good to have BOTH parties. On successive days.

I have somewhat recovered.

The Sunday party at the bowling alley was OK - really nothing horrible, and low-key. Especially when compared to Saturday, when all attendees were immersed into the deepest pits of hell: Chuck E. Cheese.

I'm not sure what they do with the money they charge for the parties. It isn't spent on the food, which can be called pizza only in that it is round and flat and red with a yellowy substance on top. It sure isn't spent on staff development or training - I'm sorry if this offends anyone (don't worry, I'll be sure to offend more later) but unmotivated, clueless, and unresponsive would be kind words for them.

Thankfully, the kids all seemed blissfully unaware of all this, stuffing themselves with the foodish substances, running around like banshees, and getting a super stim high from sugar and flashing lights.

The final crushing blow? The music. As most of you who know me will testify, I am a music junkie, super music geek. Mostly, it was all KidzBop-like crap. All of a sudden, a riff jumped out at me. Unmistakable to a once-upon-a-time 80's goth kid. Ministry - Every Day is Halloween - but (gulp) ChuckECheesified. Oh the horror of it. I swear, some CEC corporate suit who spun college radio in 1983 is having a good laugh about getting that done.

After I had the chance to clear my head and look around at everything that happened, and the rest of the people in there, I had a thought: (remember what I said about offending more later? here it comes) What were we thinking? We just aren't white trash enough for Chuck E. Cheese. Seriously.

No Matter How They Try...

2006-12-12T11:33:00.000-05:00

Knitting just isn't this cool. Give them a "Learn to Knit" DVD, make the girl look all hot & hip; it's still knitting for crying out loud.

Whaleless

2006-12-07T08:56:00.000-05:00

Neat art, and a goal to help save whales. What's not to like? Go HERE to help and see all the pictures

More Than A Thousand Words

2006-12-03T17:12:00.000-05:00

My brother has developed (ha that was funny - I didn't even catch that at first) into quite the photographer. Here is a sample of his work. want to see more? Or buy some? Go to Dixmont Gallery

Stooge Of The Day

2006-11-30T08:40:00.000-05:00

When my second son was born, I was at the point where I hated my wife’s diaper bag. While she was in the hospital, I took my first born son to visit her. Instead of packing up her diaper bag, I took the vest that I already was selling to law enforcement, and discovered that its pockets and compartments were perfect for carrying diapers, wipes, and other items on the go…with one minor exception. I no longer had to carry my wife’s feminine diaper bag/purse! Finally, I was free.

Innovation or misogyny? You decide.

The Big, Important Question

2006-11-27T09:36:00.000-05:00

Who knew there was such an important debate, that my Bookend had to call me at work and get my input about toilet paper usage. To get more scientific data, I will pose the question to you, gentle readers.

When in the lavatory, and in need of using toilet tissue, do you:

A - fold it?

or

B - crumple it?

I'm Full, Thanks!

2006-11-26T11:17:00.000-05:00

Thanksgiving - a time to be with loved ones, reflect on all you have, and realize just how wonderful life really is. I have all I need and then some. Hope the holiday found you all just as happy.

Can you hold please?

2006-11-15T10:45:00.000-05:00

File under: What Were They Thinking?

OK - call me old fashioned, but isn't the bathroom all about privacy? You could always bring the cordless in with you, couldn't you?

Ruby Subaru and the Rainy Falls Day

2006-08-22T13:00:00.001-04:00

My new wheels got me and My Bookend to Buffalo/Niagara Falls for the weekend. I suppose it's not so bad that it rains all day if you are going on the Maid of the Mist. But you can't help be be awed (still) by the enormity of Niagara. Here are some select pics.

It's Here, It's Mine!

2006-08-17T13:35:00.000-04:00

SO psyched! It's excellent, it rocks, it's CLEAN! But how long can I keep it that way with the rats around??

I will give it it's first workout: Roadtrip to Nigara Falls & the B-Lo this weekend with My HoneyHoney. Pix from the road when I get back.

VRRRRROOOOOOMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Rollin' In

2006-07-29T11:15:00.000-04:00

This is the next set of wheels:

I will tell you when I have the keys.

Wheels Go Bust

2006-07-14T13:44:00.000-04:00

It is finished. 7 years and 170,000 miles - of which 4 years and 120,000 miles are attributable to me. After throwing more money at the Nissan Ratmobile this year than the pervious three years combined, the last air-sucking, big gaping wound opened wide and suffocated me in the grind of a transmission that went PIF!

Adding insult to injury, my motor club (Allstate, for those that want to know who NOT to choose) could not get me a tow truck. One company refused to take me to my requested destination, no more than 8 miles where I was sitting dead on the road at 1 a.m. Another flatly refused to even come get me. I was left to the mercies of the Town of Tuxedo P.D. tow call list. They did respond quickly, and $196.00 later I was home. Guh. Anyone want to help draft the letter to Allstate that will ensure I get all my $$ back?

So now I have to car shop. I discovered that I HATE this. I love food shopping, clothes shopping, but cannot deal with the big-ticket-sweaty-palm-buyers-guilt-impending-doom feeling of buying a car. A neccessary evil I suppose. I'll keep you posted on my progress.

For those of you that would like to show ol' ResearchGuy a little love, you can help me get back on my wheels here:

The Absolute Best!

2006-07-03T13:49:00.000-04:00

I have just spent what have been the best days of my life in the company of 4 people I love the most: My two Rats, My Bookend, and her Son. We had a beach vacation that looked cloudy on the horizon, but the piddling little storm clouds just blew away and everything was simply perfect. I guess nothing can keep us down.

I know what my life was meant for, and where I am supposed to be. Now I have all the pieces of the puzzle falling into place. It's great that you get it when you finally "get it." If only there was a way to bottle this stuff for all the people who are empty, bitter and lonely and just don't get it...

Help Someone Get Married

2006-06-26T11:40:00.000-04:00

I'm not at all against the fine institution of marriage. See - here's proof:

Help a co-worker's son & his girlfriend win a free fairytale wedding.

At the bottom of the page, click the Click Here to Vote! link. On the next page, look for Melissa & Mike :

Vote every day until June 30. Link to this blog & see how many more votes we can get these kids.

maybe someday someone will do this for MY wedding ;)

Buy A Damn Dictionary!

2006-06-21T19:41:00.000-04:00

Can you test home expresso/latte makers? I'm interested in buying one.

Unfreakinbelievable. Stupid people suck.

Hot Hot Hot

2006-06-18T21:20:00.000-04:00

9:18 pm Sunday night and I STILL haven't got to put my new AC in the bedroom. You bet your ass I will as soon as I get off this damn computer. I'm dyin' over heah.

Never Assume

2006-06-17T14:58:00.000-04:00

That way you don't make an ASS out of U or ME.

One of the best things I remember from the original Bad News Bears movie. Maybe even better was the spirit of the kids. Never surrendering even in the face of impossible odds. But believe in yourself, and anything you wish for is yours.

Ok - another instance of EOS popping up here. Izzat so bad?

Oh - and didya miss me?

Some Of Those That Work Forces...

2006-04-26T07:23:00.000-04:00

OK, so I seem to have everything on track - family, financially, love life all moving in the same directions. However, as my new love (hereinafter referred to as My Bookend) would say, "you can't overlook Little Black Raincloud Syndrome." What is that? When everything is going well, some little problem will sit itself right over your head and piss rain all over your parade.

That cloud has personified itself in a unnamed family member who has taken issue with our relationship. I'd like to give as little detail as possible so as to protect My Bookend from any undue embarrasment, but it is incredibly frustrating to have to deal with this unreasonable, controlling and manipulative person. To be fair, I have not met this person and they know nothing about me other than what has been relayed from The Bookend. It is hard to deny her happiness though which has been so evident since we started dating at the beginning of the year. So I cannot fathom what has launched this tirade against my involvement with My Bookend.

I suppose there are times in a life when your eyes finally open to what has been going on for sometime, It hurts when you see ugliness and hurtful actions from a person who purports to love you and have "your best interests" at stake. It hurts more to know that maybe the best thing to do is cut all ties with that person in order to save your sanity. But cutting strings only hurts a little while, compared to the lifelong pain of manipulation & mental cruelty.

Spring Sprung Sprang

2006-04-13T14:32:00.000-04:00

I love it - the chill of winter is gone. Sunshine warms my soul. Days are longer, nights are warmer, love is lovelier. I'm ready for more.

Blocked

2006-04-04T08:27:00.000-04:00

This is the edit of the lame-ass post I was going to make. I told myself I'd rather write nothing than be inconsequential and puffy. Well, I wasn't happy with what was coming out so I chucked it all and decided to write about how pissed that made me. Maybe it is because of this damn headache I feel coming on. Spring + big rainstorm = allergy & pressure migraine. Yeah - I know. Suck it up, Peter. People deal.

More Diet Tips

2006-03-30T09:55:00.000-05:00

OK - I am somewhat of a minor celebrity at work (hey - he's the guy that lost a lot of weight...)

Kind of funny, but folks ask me how I did it, what did I do? Well, I came across this article, and realized that without consciously being aware of it, this is exactly what I was doing:

A February 2005 study published in the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition found that eating a daily mix of potentially cholesterol-lowering foods for one month-including vegetables (notably okra and eggplant), almonds, barley, oats, psyllium seed, soy protein, and a spread enriched with substances called plant sterols-reduced cholesterol levels much more than a low-fat diet did; in fact, those foods lowered cholesterol almost as much as the common statin drug lovastatin (Mevacor).

In a small clinical trial, published in June 2004 in Clinical Nutrition, drinking a glass of pomegranate juice every day for one year reduced blood pressure; decreased the oxidation that causes the "bad" LDL cholesterol to stick to the artery walls; and reduced the clogging of the carotid arteries in the neck. (Such clogging can lead to a stroke.)

None of that evidence is conclusive. So you don't necessarily need to consume large amounts-or even any-of those special foods, in part because other items in a balanced diet may provide comparable benefits. For example, the best dietary approach to reducing blood pressure is not to guzzle pomegranate juice but to follow the much broader DASH diet, high in fruits, vegetables, and low-fat dairy foods.

Similarly, consuming more plant foods and less animal fat is probably the best nutritional strategy for lowering cholesterol levels and possibly unclogging the arteries. (Of course, losing excess weight is also essential for achieving both of those goals.) And even if the evidence for a particular food's benefits were incontrovertible, eating it every day might crowd other valuable items out of your diet-or just prove to be intolerable over the long haul.

Half The Man, 4 Times the Cash!

2006-03-25T07:49:00.000-05:00

A postscript to my weight loss challenge: Of 37 people who signed up and paid $10 to try an lose 10 pounds in 10 weeks, only 8 succeeded. Freakin' EIGHT!?!? Wow - the battle of the bulge is a tougher one than I thought. Nonetheelss, it has lined my pockets to the tune of $46.25. I'd only hoped to get maybe $15 or so due to the falloff. Nice!

Woke Up This Morning, I Almost...

2006-03-23T14:16:00.000-05:00

...yakked in the sink.

I swear the neighbors next door were having White Castle Sliders for breakfast.

I'm sorry - you can only do that after a night full of beer. And I doubt the 12 & 13 year olds were slugging MGDs all night.

Either I am getting old, or the neighbors are getting trashier.

Ok - I tipped my hand there. They aren't hillbilly surfers, but man - sometimes I wonder where the hell you have to grow up and NOT learn to tie a trash bag closed before putting it in the can?

I'm Not Half The Man I Used To Be...

2006-03-21T07:34:00.000-05:00

OK - well, not that close, but there's definitely 10% less of me around now. The e-mail went out at work on January 3rd: "Want to bet $10 that you can do it? Get ready to take the 10-10-10 challenge! Put $10 into the “pot” and lose 10 pounds in 10 weeks! Everyone who loses 10 pounds or more will split the “pot”! The biggest “loser” (greatest weight loss) will also win a bonus gift!"

I signed on. I was feeling unhappy about my recent trip upwards on the scale. I weighed in starting off at my heaviest ever - 210. A bit much on a 5'10" frame ,unless you are an NFL running back.

I watched what I ate - portion control was key. I didn't NEED two helpings, two slices of pizza. I tried more veggies & salads. I drank a LOT more water. I stopped eating after 8pm. I didn't really add that much exercise other than more walking. I didn't deny myself anything, though. Just did it sensibly. 5 peanut M&M's rather than a whole bag, for example.

8 pounds came off the first 2 weeks. w00t! Then through the next 7 weeks, 9 more. Right up to last weekend, I was at about 17 pounds. Very happy was I.

So here it is, 10 weeks later, the final weekend passed, and the final weigh-in.

I dropped 22 pounds! Hell if I know how the last 5 came off, but I hit 188! That is my "OK" weight" which I sure can live with. 180 would be a dream, and now I am within reach. I didn't ever think I could be this successful. It's pretty amazing that I have the ability to do this. Last year I don't think I would have been emotionally capable. I owe a lot of it to things happening in my life this year (in case you missed it...)

So you'll be seing less of me around.

Pleased to Meet Me

2006-03-14T11:15:00.000-05:00

Really cool meme pilfered from Ali, and me being Übermusikgeek, simply must do this:

Pick a band/artist. Then answer these questions using only titles from the band/artist’s songs.

Hardest part? Picking the band...

1. Name of band/artist: Kansas
2. Are you male or female?: Carry On Wayward Son
3. Describe yourself: One Man, One Heart
4. How do you feel about yourself?: Everybody's My Friend
5. Describe your ex girlfriend/boyfriend: Desperate Times
6. Describe current girlfriend/boyfriend: Perfect Lover
7. Describe where you want to be: On The Other Side
8. Describe how you live: Chasing Shadows
9. Describe how you love: Anything For You
10. What would you ask for if you had just one wish?: Don't Take Your Love Away
11. Share a few words of wisdom: It Takes A Woman's Love (To Make A Man)
12. Now say goodbye: A Glimpse Of Home

Remembering Rosanna

2006-03-08T13:56:00.000-05:00

Once upon a time, I was an angry young man, wild and crazy. I played in a band, I did whatever the hell I wanted. I think that sort of changed when I met Rosanna.

Wash your face Rosanna
Tonight we'll go out on this town
Give them dogs a bone and put them down

I can't even remember her last name now. We didn't date very long, but she was unlike anyone I had ever met before. The friend of one of the guys in my band, she came to see us play. After my set we got to talking, and dancing. And more talking. She was a Special Ed major.

Shine your shoes Rosanna
Tonight we're walking on those tiles
Give them cats a class in feline style

She was taking her class on a trip to a local nature preserve and invited me to come meet her there. Maybe not good protocol for a teacher now, but this was early 1991 when things were simpler.

Have a drink Rosanna
Pour it straight and knock it down
Pull the rug of being up from the ground

She introduced me to her students. I hadn't really any experience with learning disabled kids - different kids - so I was naturally hesitant. Something happened there that day. I got to know some kids who looked at the world very differently than I did.

Take a seat Rosanna
Soak your sight and suck the sound
Skip the last train home go underground

The obsessions, the repetitive behavior, things that seemed weird to me, Rosanna explained to me. She did it within the context of the kids, and not like some clinical text. She showed me a real side of a person I didn't see before. I only saw the funny kid on the short bus.

Have a heart Rosanna
Clubs for fools and spades for clowns
Diamonds only serve to fill your crown

Little did I know that years later, I would see these things in me as well, and that I would have a son with Autism. Of course it broke my heart, but I think that in some ways, I was better prepared for it from that day spent with Rosanna and her students.

See me in Rosanna
Here's a boy in shining steel
Fighting for a part of something real

Now I am here, the proud-ass father of the two greatest little boys in the world. Equal in my eyes, both full of happiness and love.

You didn't teach me to see the differences, Rosanna. You taught me that we are all the same.

Thank you, wherever you are.

Lyrics: The Guggenheim Grotto - Rosanna
This song can be heard on Radio Paradise - please give them a listen

Flowers and Hearts

2006-02-20T07:16:00.000-05:00

You all know I am a music junkie. Love songs have returned to my rotation. Don't puke now - the sap is only going to get thicker around here.

Going as far back as I can remember, I had the predisposition for these songs. One of my bandmates even called me the "Sappy Love Song Writer." And I don't think there's anything wrong with that. I mean, ask Paul McCartney for gosh sakes!

So to illustrate, here are some songs that are new to me that celebrate my entry back in to the hearfelt arena:

Peter Gabriel - The Book of Love,
The book of love is long and boring
No one can lift the damn thing
It's full of charts and facts and figures
and instructions for dancing
But I
I love it when you read to me
And you
You can read me anything

The book of love has music in it
In fact that's where music comes from
Some of it is just transcendental
Some of it is just really dumb
But I
I love it when you sing to me
And you
You can sing me anything

The book of love is long and boring
And written very long ago
It's full of flowers and heart-shaped boxes
And things we're all too young to know
But I
I love it when you give me things
And you
You ought to give me wedding rings
And I
I love it when you give me things
And you
You ought to give me wedding rings
And I
I love it when you give me things
And you
You ought to give me wedding rings
You ought to give me wedding rings

as well as
Luka Bloom - Can't Help Falling In Love
Alanda Grace - Black Roses Red
Kenny Loggins - Always, In All Ways

I'm just so wonderfully, stupidly happy. These songs echo that. Maybe you could add some of your own favorite sappy songs in your comments and I'll make up a whole CD of them and play it in my car for perpetual bliss.

Not a bad thing in my book.

Substantiation

2006-02-16T07:04:00.000-05:00

OK, there's been a rumour floating about that I was kidnapped by a gun-toting midget from Indianapolis who has a penchant for Dewar's and Tiparillos.

This is patently untrue. She prefers Winchesters.

In any event, I am back (finally) to set the record straight.

I am in love.

Can you stand it?

This has stuck me square between the eyes and buckled my knees. But like the superstitious fool I am, I don't want to jinx it by talking about it. Hopefully I can come up for air avery now & again to post here. I miss doing it, miss all your comments.

Thanks for waiting for me.

Meme

2006-01-19T12:06:00.000-05:00

You know you rock when you've been memed by the best!

Four jobs you've had:

Paperboy - unlike some of us, I actually completed my appointed rounds. One time in -14° weather. Major tippage that week.

Pizza Slinger - I'm spoiled. Not only do I LOVE pizza, I can make a pretty darn good one from scratch. The ultimate: Double cheese, sausage, sweet peppers and green olives.

Toll Collector - Yes we have legs. No we can't take your gagrbage (Lord knows what is in that napkin, and I'm not gonna touch it.)

ResearchGuy® - They guy with the answers at that magazine with the rating blobs.

Four places you've lived:

Buffalo!

North Tarrytown, NY - since renamed to Sleepy Hollow. I shit you not. They got all Washington Irving after I left I guess.

Salisbury Mills, NY - best known locally for a wide and shallow creek crossing called the Moodna Viaduct,

Greenwood Lake, NY - well, it's homey now.

Four websites you visit daily:

uh, This one.

Radioparadise.com

Buffalo.com

ConsumerReports.org

Four television shows you love to watch:

COPS

NFL Football

NHL Hockey

David Letterman

Four of your favorite foods:

Steak

Penne Rustica

Nutter Butters

Pineapple

Four albums you can't live without (at least for the moment):

Luka Bloom - Keeper of the Flame

A Kiss Could Be Deadly - A Kiss Could Be Deadly

Attack of the Killah Covahs - compilation made by my friend Mer.

The Smithereens - Especially For You

Four places you'd rather be:

Buffalo

Aruba

SoCal

The Moon

Tag! You're it!:

NWG

EdieRaye

Anna

Ali

Self-Promoting Throwback Chuckle

2006-01-19T09:56:00.000-05:00

Buy a T-shirt!

If you do, send me a picture of you wearing it. I'll be shocked as hell, but will post it here

B to the E?

2006-01-08T00:03:00.000-05:00

N to the O.

$1.50 for a 10 ounce can, alcohol 6.6% by volume, and it tastes too damn sweet. Like mixing beer and Mike's Hard Lemonade and RockStar. Frankly, leave beer alone. Whatever this is, it sure isn't beer.

I did like the can, and 10 ounce vs. 12 ounce? I don't think you can tell the difference without really looking hard. Perhaps a new trend will emerge here?

Do You Believe?

2006-01-02T10:44:00.000-05:00

Over the holidays, I took my kids to see The Polar Express in full IMAX 3-D. First, wow. I have never been to an IMAX theatre and had no idea the screen was SO freakin' BIG! Anyway, we settle in to our seats (comfy ones) and N. immediately jumps out of his seat and into my lap, curling into the crook of my left arm. OK - we were on the end of the row, no one in front of me (no seat actually, just a railing) so it was perfect. I put me feet up and settled in, with great big silly polarizing 3-D glasses (no pun intended, that's just how they work.)

Not knowing the original story or much about the movie, it unfolded brilliantly in front of me. There is still something creepy about the way mouths move in computer animation. Not quite natural and a little disturbing.

There is a train hobo character that simply HAD to be based on Tom Waits (even though Tom Hanks does the bulk of the voices) and Santa Himself is, well, Alan Rickman. You really have to go on voicing, and the fleeting full on face shots of Santa in the movie - which I can't seem to find online, but trust me.

So on to the pivotal scene, where the main character has his crisis of faith, where he realizes he can't hear the sleigh bells because of his doubt. As one of the bells falls off Santa's sleigh and rolls to his feet (in slow motion, of course) he picks it up and shakes it hearing nothing. A look of loss and panic crosses his face as he closes his eyes and says "I believe. I do. I believe..." and shakes again. The bell rings.

It is at this point that I begin to lose it and cry (because, as a former lover told me "you're the crying guy") Well, not just because it is a touching reminder of *Faith*, but this hit closer to home. Those of you that know me well know about N. Well the main character really looked like him - or at least what he should be, and how he should be. Second, his mom is currently working an a project to open a school - a very specialized school for kids like N. It is something that she wants, and with her background, I KNOW she will make it happen. Right now, they are working under the name "Project Believe."

Holding my son in my arms at that moment, everything just started pouring out of me. All the hope, the loss, the prayers, the failures. I think 5 years of parenting exploded through me at that moment. I am slightly grateful it wasn't at the very end of the movie, but even still - I wouldn't have cared if anyone saw the tears streaming down my face. Because I do believe.

And A New One Just Begun

2006-01-01T09:05:00.000-05:00

MY favorite holiday. I have met some folks of late who look upon New Year's with dread, and I don't understand why. Here we are at day one - everything before is wiped out. It's the great do-over, the chance to say "let's start fresh with no screw-ups."

New Year's is one of the few things I am truly optimistic about. To be certain, I don't set unrealistic goals or make ridiculous resolutions. I just smile and know that I have the opportunity to do things better this year. That knowledge alone tends to make me feel better about most things.

Happy New Year to you all.

The Gift of Sleep.

2005-12-25T12:28:00.000-05:00

After the last day of work, running around at the end of my own week from hell, I dropped into a coma last night at about 9:30. Slept for Fourteen - count 'em - 14 hours!

This is not say I am miraculously feeling SO much better. I'm truthfully woozy and have a slight headache, but what a start to getting myself healed up.

And hey! It's Christmas! More on that later when the kids get their gifts and I go get them back from their mom.

House of Cards

2005-12-22T06:46:00.000-05:00

Please let me make it to Friday.

I think I can make it to Friday. Please let me make it to Friday.

I am tired, I ache all over. Please let me make it to Friday.

I am weak and shaky. Please let me make it to Friday.

I fall asleep at my desk after lunch. Please let me make it to Friday.

I look like hell. Please let me make it to Friday.

I just want to sleep.

I have a week off. I just want to sleep.

I'll turn in when the kids do. I just want to sleep.

I don't have a life anyway. I just want to sleep.

I need to catch up. I just want to sleep.

Buh - I'll be OK. I just want to sleep.

No Thank You - I'll Break My Own Heart

2005-12-21T01:00:00.000-05:00

Some things... well - they are hard to let go. It would be so easy if I could just let go and let it all fade away. But part of me feels a failure if I do that.

Yes you can be over someone and still have feelings for them. Or at least that's what I have told myself.

And then you can have feelings for someone that go unreciprocated. Another healthy thing.

(I apologize for the disjointedness of this entry - the Chardonnay was flowing freely and I am quite warm.)

I suppose I am smarter than to let myself even consider looking back this way. It is very difficult however to let everything die. I suppose I can romanticize it in my head.

I know I've been told there is negative energy around me keeping potential partners at bay. Is there really? What about the clueless girls?

Bah. Maybe I'll just sober up and erase this whole post.

Came So Close

2005-12-15T00:50:00.000-05:00

Almost bought myself a pack of smokes tonight. No particular reason why - I just saw them and wanted them. Picked them up and smelled the fresh leafy smell through the cellophane. They smell so good that way. I really had to remind myself of the nausea I'd experience lighting one up, the foul stink of the burning paper and smoke, the inevitable headache I'd encounter. but damn - even now my mouth waters thinking about it.

I am so lucky I was never an alcoholic, that my vice and addiction was simple like nicotine. Simple for me, anyway. I am smoke-free 17+ months now. I don't preach to smokers to quit. If I met a girl that smokes, I'd have no qualms about kissing her. It might make it harder still to resist the tempatations, though.

My mind always seems to want cigs. Right now I have had a glass of wine and have a nice light buzz going. The smoking just goes with the drinking.

Then there's the $$$ aspect. Holy hell (thanks Steph) are those suckers expensive! Why I remember... yeah yeah yeah - packs under $2.00. Whatever, gramps. Go back to sleep.

Anyway, I am tired and I am glad (sorta, for now anyway) that I didn't smoke.

How Not To Change Your Oil

2005-12-03T01:33:00.000-05:00

Well I have to admit I was way psyched to pay $1.97 for gas yesterday. Wow. I thought $2.00+ was going to be it forever. Made me realize I should pay a little more attention to my car.

So I looked under the hood for the first time in while. Checked the oil - it was low so I added a quart. That was Thursday night. Friday morning I noticed a funny smell, chalking it up to a bad exaust. Older car ('99) in the NE states with salt & rust. Figured it's time, right?

Nope - not me. Not so lucky. Tonight I stopped back in to the office. Upon leaving, I got nearly a block away and noticed the engine saying grhunxchnkadahnkadahnkada. So I pulled over and noted that the cap was off the oil resevoir,

Shit!

Look at that glistening engine. Why,everything in there has a nice light coating of fortyweight.

I am SO damn lucky I did not:

A) Statrt the engine on fire

B) run the sucker dry

So three quarts later after limping cautiously 2 blocks to the Walgreens, the Altima is humming along as if nothing ever happened. Boy is she a forgiving little 4-banger. I think perhaps a guilt-visit to the carwash is in order. And a legitimate oil change.

Lovin' Is What I Got - I Said Remember That

2005-11-25T10:03:00.000-05:00

Well, life is too short, so love the one you got...

Let the lovin', let the lovin' come back to me...

Lovin', is what I got, I said remember that.

Yes it's easy to be thankful for the roof over your head & the job and the car. All that easy stuff. Sometimes it is hard to be grateful for the love you do have, when you don't have somebody to love. Sometimes I get that way, and it's silly. Well, maybe not silly, but I guess there are times when it's no fun to not have a significant other in your life. But there are lots of friends, family, and my kids that love me, and I love them. Those are the ones that really count, that will stick with me through thick & thin.

So that's where I am.

Pre-Turkey Whine

2005-11-24T10:10:00.000-05:00

I am not sure why I am so disappointed. Maybe it was hoping against hope. Looking for something not there. But that's me all over, isn't it?

At least I can look back and laugh at myself - until the next time I end up doing the same thing.

Waiting For The Sunrise

2005-11-20T07:21:00.000-05:00

Watching the sun come up can be a pretty intense experience. Light & heat build with every moment, anticipation runs deep, and you can feel the motion of the world as you are standing still. A flood of brilliant light bathes you, caressing you from head toe, warming you to your soul.

Yes - it is a poetic moment to me, even if my kids have rousted me only moments before (as it happened) and I groggily sit here at my pc. I am still awed by the circuit.

Breakfast and a day of who-know-what waits with the rats. And another sunrise tomorrow.

What's Better?

2005-11-17T23:50:00.000-05:00

Do you see things as they are and say "why?" Or do you see things as they could be and say "why not?"

I have what I call EOS - Eternal Optimist Syndrome. Sometimes I wonder if it is more of a curse than anything else. (Gee Peter, feeling jaded?) Well, since you asked...

No, I don't think it is a bad thing - except for when I see so many good things and so much potential in another person, yet they can't see it in themselves. That is the part that is frustrating. Makes me crazy. I wish there was a way to change - both myself and the other person. But what would that really accomplish?

Instead I go on, tied in to the capitulations, a battered soul reaching out to a wounded heart. Nothing ever quite makes it right. Nothing ever gets through.

Or does it?

So Totally Missed It

2005-11-13T20:38:00.000-05:00

OK - I'm late.

Thursday was the anniversary of my first post of my blog. No surprise that life has got me too wound up to pause and reflect on such things.

One year. Yay me.

It's not like I have been at it every day. Yo be sure, there have been several gaps. BUt even after the absences, you have been there to welcome me back. Many of you quietly wondered where I was, hoping I'd return.

That has been the sweetest part. Knowing that people care and enjoy reading the things I have to say, my point of view, my poetry, my pissing & moaning. I just want to thank you all, and let you know what it has meant to me. I don't need the recognition, but it is nice to have.

I hope to give you all another year of interesting reading.

Eight Days A Week

2005-11-11T08:39:00.000-05:00

Thats how much it feels I am working these days. Til at least 10pm during the week. Then I have the kids on the weekend. I could use a day to sleep in. If I can make it to Thanksgiving week I will be OK. I have a massage scheduled the day after TG. (Thanks WT! Love You!) But I am draggin. Living on Monster and coffee. Guh.

I am weak. I want to crawl into bed for three days straight. I want someone to hold me for a while. I want lots of sun and tropical-smelling stuff. I want breakfast in bed. I want to dissapear for a while.

Ah - I know. Who doesn't want that. It just needs to be said, get it out and move on.

Only 13 hours to go today...

Live From New York...

2005-11-04T22:49:00.000-05:00

Well, I am back in the land of higher taxes, Derek Jeter, and kosher deli. I'm in a New York State of mind, OK?

I lived in NJ for 3 years. There's nothing wrong with it per se, it's just not where I am from, what I identify with. I am a New Yorker, end of story.

So I am all moved, settling in to the new place, finding things I had forgotten about or thought were lost, missing things that I have no idea where they went. Still trying to get the kids room squared away since I am basically creating a room for them out of what could be a dining room. We don't need it as I have a huge living room. It's good that they have they own space, and they are adjusting to it well.

I'm back to working two jobs again (thus the delay in getting back to blogging.) My "bloggiversary" is coming up and I'll probably go back and re-read all the posts from the last year; something I have not done yet.

So I hope to be back here a bit more regularly now that I have a routine going. Thanks again for hanging in there and waiting for my return.

A Man of Constant Sorrow

2005-10-14T20:48:00.000-04:00

It's still raining.

It's 8:50pm.

I am still packing.

Guh.

Rain, Rain Go Away

2005-10-12T07:14:00.000-04:00

Since last Friday night, it's rained every day. Saturday was over a foot. Nothing quite so biblical since then. Nonetheless, it makes it difficult to want to get up and do stuff. Why do I just feel like crawling back in bed and hiding under the covers all day? Are there people that feel energized from the rain. What of the "positive ions in falling water." Guh. I can't wait to see the sun again.

In My Head

2005-10-04T22:23:00.000-04:00

Swirling & twisting, taunting me, daring me to catch it; there's a song in there banging off my eardrums, pushing colors onto my eyes, tickling my tongue with rhythmic syllables. I want to shake it out of my ears, spit forth a chorus and be done with it. Echo echo down the hall, have I got no chops at all? I'm sure it's derivative - what else could it be? Maybe I need to listen to something else, lift a verse here, snip a hook there.

Somebody drop me a note.

We're In! Almost...Sorta...

2005-10-02T11:01:00.000-04:00

If Boston loses on Sunday and Cleveland wins, they will meet at Fenway Park on Monday to decide the AL's last playoff berth. If Cleveland loses on Sunday, the Red Sox get the wild-card berth no matter what they do.

That's a good prospect IMHO. Boston will get to play the ChiSox in round one. I'd much rather play them than the Angels. Maybe this is a blessing in disguise.

Even though, I AM bummed that the Yankees clinch the division by virtue of their head-to-head season record. As if all the other games don't mean anything. If the Bosox & Yanks tie, a one-game playoff should decide it.

Poor bastards in Cleveland - snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. Ah well,it IS the mistake on the lake.

And then there's football, and hockey. Good thing I don't like basketball.

Let's play!!

Does This Really Define Me?

2005-10-01T18:17:00.000-04:00

The Rules:

1. Go into your archive.
2. Find your 23rd post.
3. Find the fifth sentence (or closest to).
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.

Here is the fifth sentence of my 23rd post:

I like sex.

Well, duh - did I have to actually say it?

It's Up To You...

2005-09-30T14:28:00.000-04:00

New York based Red Sox fan. Looking, hoping, praying for a Sawx Sweep of the Jankees. We've seen the improbable, impossible comeback before. Red sox Nation now needs 3 wins. Either in succesion, or 3 of the next 4 (2 in the next three will get us to a playoff game back in NY.)

Red Sox Nation is ready. I am ready. Let's do it!

Another Long Absence

2005-09-28T09:28:00.000-04:00

Life doesn't come with a road map, but you usually can see the horizon. At least I can again. I think things have gone clear and I'm feeling like I should be back here on a more regular basis.

Perspectives & update:
I'm excited about hockey coming back.

I need to lose 15 pounds.

I am in the middle of writing a new song.

I am moving.

I haven't been on a date in 14 months,

I haven't had a cigarette in over 14 months.

I have two great kids.

I am a lucky guy.

Dark As My Soul

2005-07-26T16:15:00.000-04:00

There is no light
We feel our way through
Stumbling on the mysteries
Not wanting to know
The truth that tripped us
Cursing the darkness pleases us
It's easier
It's easier

In the dark is no pain
In the dark is no sadness
In the dark is no ugliness
In the dark is no loneliness
In the dark everything is familiar

There is no light

In the deep of darkest nights
I lock myself up
With no room for you
Not even the silhouette
Falling from your side
There is no room
It's easier
It's easier

In the dark is a warmth
In the dark is a comfort
In the dark is a soothing
In the dark is a home
In the dark everything is familiar

There is no light

Learn To Face The Strange

2005-07-20T00:42:00.000-04:00

Life never comes with instructions or a map. Kids don't have care labels. There are no government warnings on sharks. Yet it's pretty amazing how the human species has managed to make it this far.

There was a time when life was extrememly simple. Some my say plain, others dull. No moving pictures or recorded music. The golden age of wireless was a ways off. Folks sat around and talked or sang, carved toys out of wood, perhaps sewed their own clothes while sitting by the fire. There was a closeness back then that forged bonds for life.

Fast forward to the Days of Tireless, the age of 24/7, instant access, and on demand. Everything is pre-packaged, processed and preserved. Entire symphonies fit in our pockets. Entertainment is an industry larger than many others combined. Nearly everything is available and disposable.

Yet amid this techno-world, something interesting happened. People found ways to get closer. Closer to other people far away. People they had never met.

Through the advent of the blog, IM, and e-mail, we have the ability to keep in constant contact with people halfway around the world. Friendships are borne of common interests on websites with varying topics. Though some still scoff or look with a raised eyebrow, these new friendships are no less genuine than what was forged in pioneer times.

We have the ability to be more selective about those we associate with. A larger pool provides more opportunities to meet people you really click with. As such, I believe the odds are better that you meet someone online who becomes a very close friend.

I met one such person nearly two years ago. She was many things to many people. She was fun to talk to, witty, sarcastic, sexy; just an all-around great woman. Sure she had issues. But I have issues too. She was insecure, but no more than me. She could be irrational, but we are all human and have emotions. You never overreacted to something?

I know that she made a deep impression on me early on. All this time, she has remained someone I could confide in, laugh with, say silly things and not be called out for it.

Funny thing: I never have, and never will meet her.

Does this sound strange to you? Well, likely no. In the "blogosphere" (gawd, first time I am using that word) many of you have accepted the relationships people develop online. But to people not as involved online, it sounds peculiar.

Another funny thing: I don't care.

The people I meet online are real to me. I get feedback, stories, heartbreak, elation. There is no shortage of emotion here online. I have the battlescars to prove it. (Oh hell yeah, there is heartache online.)

So don't ever let anyone discount you or your friends. And don't forget to let your friends know just what they mean to you.

Lost in Yonkers, Lost Anywhere

2005-07-13T02:26:00.000-04:00

This is slowly becoming the Year of The Lost. So many things are slipping by, slipping away. There's only so much I can do for some of these things. Others are just far beyond my control. Granted some things I am selfish about. Still - what I feel doesn't hurt any less, doesn't upset me any less.

I can't make the world a pefect place, but it has to get better.

It has to.

So I Got Nothing

2005-07-09T12:59:00.000-04:00

Two successive Fridays with ZERO to show for my photo idea. What happened to all the weird? The people BBQing in the back of a moving pickup? The girl painting her toenails on the dashboard? (yes - in the passenger seat) The guy with 17 earrings and a ZZTop beard? Nowhere to be found.

I think I am bummed out over this. I REALLY tried to find things to shoot. Maybe that's it? I guess you have to wait for weirdness to find you.

Wheels, Eyes, Clocks

2005-06-25T08:55:00.000-04:00

So here we are officially in summer. What does that mean for me? Driving hell. Many of you know that I am in the NY Metro area. Fridays after work is a madcap free-for-all with people getting the hell out of the city, heading for the Jersey Shore. People from Manhatta, Brooklyn, the Bronx, Connecticut, Westchester - all have to converge on MY route home. A 37-mile trip took over two hours last night.

I grow weary of this. I have been putting up with it for nearly five years.

The traffic starts, crawls, stops. Starts again, inches, stops.

sigh

So what do I do to make the most of it? Well I have an idea. I am thinking of more photography of other people in their cars - some candid, some not, and making a Drive-by blog of photos I take. But I am hoping for some feedback here about that idea, what you folks think. I thought perhaps if I do that, I should get a little sign that says "see you on pdhski.blogspot.com" so they know what the hell it is I'm doing.

Or is that just too weird like everything else I think up??

(poll removed as it was broken)

Song For The Lost Souls

2005-06-21T14:37:00.000-04:00

The departed, the tired, the weak - are you listening? You know who you are.

Foo Fighters - Best Of You
I’ve got another confession to make
I’m your fool
Everyone’s got their chains to break
Holdin’ you

Were you born to resist or be abused?
Is someone getting the best,
the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best,
the best, the best, the best of you?

Are you gone and onto someone new?
I needed somewhere to hang my head
Without your noose
You gave me something that I didn’t have
But had no use
I was too weak to give in
Too strong to lose
My heart is under arrest again
But I break loose
My head is giving me life or death
But I can’t choose
I swear I’ll never give in
I refuse

Is someone getting the best,
the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best,
the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
You trust, you must
Confess
Is someone getting the best,
the best, the best, the best of you?
Oh...

Oh...Oh...Oh...Oh...

Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
The life, the love
You die to heal
The hope that starts
The broken hearts
You trust, you must
Confess

Is someone getting the best,
the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best,
the best, the best, the best of you?

I’ve got another confession my friend
I’m no fool
I’m getting tired of starting again
Somewhere new

Were you born to resist or be abused?
I swear I’ll never give in
I refuse

Is someone getting the best,
the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best,
the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
You trust, you must
Confess
Is someone getting the best,
the best, the best, the best of you?
Oh...

Warm Fuzzies and The Cold Hard Truth

2005-06-19T07:23:00.000-04:00

Is love is hard to come by these days? Is there a shortage of memebrship forms for the Mutual Admiration society? I'm not sure what it is, but the abundance of free samples and risk-free trials found easily in my youth have all but vanished.

When this was pointed out to a former attachment of mine known to be more matter-of-fact and less sympathetic, she offered "well, you know you're really not as good looking as you think you are..." I still don't know how to respond to that one.

So things don't get easier as you get older. The wiser and more experienced you get, the pickier you become (or, other people become, it would seem.) And this is not necessarily a bad thing, but rather an observation and statement of truth. You know what you want, but are less inclined to spend yourself waiting/looking for it. I think at this point people assume they know more from the start where things will go.

Being an idealist/romantic in this environment is a dual-edged sword. There is always hope that something will happen someday. Yet, there is frustration over the same-old song that refrains "not this time, not this time. But I sing a different song:

Fairground Attraction - Hallelujah

the lights on the westway go on
a million cars hurry home
an ice cream van shuts off its tinsel bells
winter won’t be long

I see you every day
I watch as you walk down this way
we pass on the stairs of this council block
too shy to find words to say

but your smile is a prayer that prays for love
and your heart is a kite that longs to fly
hallelujah here I am
let’s cut the strings tonight

so meet me on the corner at eight
let’s get out of this place
we’ll kiss the first of a million kisses
and let the past fall away

for your smile is a prayer that prays for love
and your heart is a kite that longs to fly
hallelujah here I am
let’s cut the strings tonight

Buzz @ 9:40

2005-06-17T21:41:00.000-04:00

So the kids are asleep, tucked into their beds, the door is locked, and I've had two glasses of Chardonnay.

Life is good, and I am feeling the love. Or the Chardonnay at least. Shout out to the winery.

I haven't drank much the last year. I cut way back. I think a lot of that had to do with things I went through in the past year. And not drinking certainly hasn't been anything terrible. I should say that I don't miss it, least of all the cheap beer headaches after softball losses.

So my beer muscles are gone and I am a lightweight again. That's fine. Makes me a cheap date. And while I enjoy having a drink, I won't ever again feel that I have to or that I should. Oh - did I mention that my dad was an alcoholic? Yeah, nothing to be proud of. Maybe it took this long to finally say "I am never going to be what he was."

You May Already Be A Winner

2005-06-14T00:14:00.000-04:00

Sometimes when you get knocked down, it is too easy to wallow in your misery. Sometimes it is well deserved and even preferable to facing up to everything else going on. Sometimes you need a dose of reality, no matter how harsh it may be, even at the risk of bringing you down further. It is at moments like this when you have to own up to the fact that things are pretty darn good, and for the most part, we already are pretty lucky to have all we do.

My friends mean a lot to me. The ones that have become a big part of my life know this, and know there's nothing I won't do for them. So maybe I am not always going to go the right route with trying to help them, but my heart is in the right place, and despite the detours we end up in the right place.

Then there are the friends that you can't do anything for. The ones that you know need help but close themselves off. The ones that distance themselves from you and the rest of the world. Frustrating? Heartbreaking? You bet. But you know what the reality is. And you've made it well known that you are always there for them.

I've been through a lot lately, and my friends have helped me through. Their love and the love I have for them only grows stronger each day. In this way I know just how lucky I am - even for the friends that I may have lost. Why? Because I had an opportunity and I made the most of it and gave of myself to someone else. And I'd do it again.

So It Wasn't The Sprain, It Was The Saw Mill

2005-06-11T12:03:00.000-04:00

Like I shouldn't have seen something coming, but this time pacing myself wouldn't have helped. Or maybe it would have? It seemed that I ended up getting bitchslapped my mother nature, and not much you can do there.

Ok, for you nonmetro folks the Sprain Brook Parkway and Saw Mill River Parkway are among two of the undersized, overcrowded parkways feeding through lower Westchester County into NYC. I take the Saw Mill into Yonkers on my daily commute. Yesterday as I exited from the NYS Thruway onto the Saw Mill, a torrential downpour unleashed itself. Within a matter of minutes, conditions were horrible with blinding rain pelting the windshield quicker than the wipers could keep up. The road began a downhill descent. It was at that moment I felt the drift, and knew I was quite fu*cked. No downshifting, brake pumping, wheel turning, or shouting diverted my Altima from its impending course with the center guardrail. And with a mighty BANG! I pinballed back into the lane, with steering control returned to me.

No airbag deployment, no funny sounds or scrapig/clumping/thudding. It was still pouring so I threw the four-ways on and got to the right lane, turned the radio off, and limped along into work. Despite the steady rain and wiper rhythm, there was a silence that wrapped me up like a big down comforter. Adrenaline buzz.

By the time I got to work, I had been through the eomtional rollercoaster: scared, relieved, near-crying, suddenly tired, and then shaky. I hesitated to get out and look. And this is where you'd expect a picture - but I'm embarrassed to put one up. I got damn lucky. One little buckle in the front quarter, one small dent in the door, and some stripey-scrapes down the side that don't really stand out, You do sort of have to look closely.

So should I buy a lottery ticket since I am such a lucky guy, or don't bother since all my luck has been used up?

After The Long Romeo Void

2005-06-09T23:46:00.000-04:00

I have to look at the positive, and remind myself that the flipside of the "it is what it is" coin says "never say never." I'm not sure exactly what that means - perhaps that while some things are destined to be, sometimes you just never can tell. And that makes life just SO much simpler now, doesn't it? And this doesn't refer to anyone or anything. It's just one of the observations I've made about life.

*** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** *** ***

Yes I am back after another prolonged absence. I appreciate your patience.

Here's a confession for those who don't already know: I write daily for work as part of my job. Sometimes I get sick of words. The words I have to write suck all the nice thoughts about words I want to write right out of my head. I find it difficult to locate inspiration when I slip into that rut. Niggling little complaints I have to respond to in an oh-so-nice way, cursing under my breath the whole time. It's not unhealthy, just unproductive for someone who likes to write these entries and share bits of my life and myself with you.

Tonight's inspiration? Mozzarella cheese sticks. With ketchup. Yes it's not a healthy thing, and with the ketchup, I know a lot of you are sticking your tongue out and wondering if I am one of those boors that puts ketchup on everything. No, I am not a ketchup junkie. Somehow it happened to be available one night for the cheese sticks and it just worked for me. What can I say? A tasty treat and guilty pleasure. Yes nothing quite like breaded & fried cheese to get the heart in tip-top shape.

But I will give due credit to mozzarella cheese sticks tonight, as they may just have kickstarted this blog once again. Why, I even feel motivated enough to fire up a batch of mint iced tea. Who knows where else this will lead?

OK - I better pace myself or I am bound to sprain something, or worse, be all kinds of sore and tight tomorrow. I missed doing this and I am glad to be back again.

It Is What It Is

2005-05-15T21:06:00.000-04:00

I am not the most dilligent blogger, but I go on inspiration & quality (my definition.) I can't be the kind of writer that writes at least two lines every day. No offense to those who do that, and apologies to anyone I disappoint with my far-too-long absences between posts.

--- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- --- ---

Right now I am happy and frustrated. I try to make the best of where I am, and I usually do. But lately it's hard to not want more. And I think in doing just that, I have opened myself up to that frustration I feel.

A good friend of mine often says "it is what it is." as her mantra. Makes sense. There are so many things that I just don't have control over, yet I find myself getting all twisted up about this or that. I suppose old habits die hard for folks that wear their hearts on their sleeve.

So now it's all about evaluating what is, and just waiting for whatever comes.

Emotional Rescue

2005-05-04T21:29:00.000-04:00

I want to be the hero. Who doesn't love a hero? Always adored, can never do wrong, earns the undying gratitude of the damsel in distress. Heroes never die or get dirty. Heroes have perfect hair & perfect teeth. Yes, when I grow up, I want to be a hero.

But life gets involved, has other plans for you. You never make that daring rescue because you were taking your Political Science final. Do heroes have college degrees?

You don't battle the evil villain because your mom needed you to clean out the gutters on her house. Do heroes have mothers?

You never intercepted a bomb being sent to the president because you had to go to the store for more diapers and bananas and yogurt. Do heroes have babies?

It's strange how we don't always get what we want the way we want it. It is only when we come to recognize all we have that we appreciate who we are. It is not for ourselves but for others that we become heroes, in spite of our own belief or lack thereof.

When we lack the conviction to dream, our friends and family help us up, stand behind us. They make us heroes in their eyes when we succeed. When we commit to the daily grind of school or a job, we become heroes to those that count on us and want the best for us. When we share ourselves and give life to another human, we will always be heroes to them.

I never thought that at 5 foot 10, a few pounds heavier than I'd like to be, greying hair, and with glasses I would be the archetypal everyday hero. But here I am, getting comfortable with that idea, and waiting for the next big catastrophe.

I think the gas tank is almost on "E".

I Suck Redux

2005-04-25T15:15:00.000-04:00

Think first before acting, before speaking, before doing ANYTHING! How I envy those people that are calm & rational. Maybe they don't have the emotional experiences I have, but they are also spared the heartache.

Shame on me.

Dontcha Know

2005-04-17T11:31:00.000-04:00

I had some extra time with the kids this week - their mom is out of town for a conference. Got me thinking that I could almost do this on a daily basis (as long as I had reliable help to pick up the kids from the bus and hang out until I got home.) But who am I kidding? There is SO much that goes on that their mom handles that I can't fathom - or rather just don't have a clue about.

I am emotional and impulsive, she is rational and analytical. I am creative, she is structured. For every white I have, she is a black. And as far as she and I were concerned, there were too many differences to overcome. But I think this is a very big plus for being parents. Especially if the kids get all these things from each parent. We can work well together (well, as a team, not so much "together" in the same space - that's still and always going to be a strain.) and I'd like to think that she too realizes that what I give to the kids is as irreplacable as what she does.

So maybe a little tribute to the mom, early for Mother's day I know. So a nod of the head, tip of the cap for her. Thanks.

Without Question: An Assignment

2005-04-14T00:38:00.000-04:00

You do it every day. Several times per minute. No one tells you to. You don't even remind yourself - it just happens.

Breathe. Take in air and expel CO2. The cycle continues without thought.

How much of life goes by without thought, no notice taken? How many small things happen that are mysteries unto themsleves as we never take notice of them?

Take some time to study the small things, look for the mystery of the unobserved moment. So much will go by without appreciation. I charge you to find the example of daily life that never gets fair regard.

I Suck

2005-04-12T17:37:00.000-04:00

I Suck I Suck I Suck I Suck I Suck I Suck.

OK - I apologize for not getting back to this in a while. OK - a LONG while. I am just full of despair and misery and the blog, sadly, is a low priority. My plate of shit has just gotten really huge, and I know you all have been there. Maybe this writing IS good for me, but until it pays the bills, I'm not going to be flocking to it daily. That is unless I can track this down to something I never wanted it to be: A daily one-liner. Not to knock anyone, but why bother? IMO, that's like burping. I know I can do better, I want to do better.

Maybe it is grandiose of me to think that I need to entertain or enlighten you, the reader. After all, am I not writing for myself? I am. But why publish a blog if I don't care about what i put on the damn thing?

Anywho, I beg a thousand pardons, and hope that the next interval is not so long.

~P

Weeklong Headache

2005-03-18T20:03:00.000-05:00

This time, it really was a week long, not just feeling like it was. It was just a very odd feeling. Nothing sucks more than to wake up with a headache. Muddled through work, was generally mopey & pissy. I am glad it's 99% over.

Maybe later on, something interesting will pop up that I can write about.

Lost and Found

2005-03-15T01:15:00.000-05:00

I am not sure what happens when you die. I imagine that there is something other than nothing. I'd like to believe that we are more than beings that only wonder about what happens next, but will exist somehow in another manner once we no longer occuopy out bodies.

A comedian once mentioned that when you die, you get a box with all the stuff you ever lost - umbrellas, gloves, hats, etc. What becomes of the people that you've lost? The friends that drifted away, the lovers that stopped loving you, the people that just dropped out? Do you ever get them back?

In my life, people are very special. My good friends are always my friends, no matter what. When I love someone, there will always be a little bit of that person with me forever. I'm not the type that hopes I never see someone again.

So maybe you are one of those pepople that drifted away. Maybe you've been reading and realized there is someone in your life like that right now. Know what? Now is the time to do something.

Maybe there is something that happens when we die - someplace we go. But what if there isn't?

Obloquy

2005-03-07T15:00:00.000-05:00

Even in the sharpness of clear conversation
I question so many things
Lifting myself from calm stasis
I frame the turbidity
Creating tumult among tranquility
Ne'er sated by alimental regards
I concuss the rational coloratura
Demonizing sweet descant until
Elegy is all I hear.
Dirige, Domine, Deus meus,
in conspectu tuo viam meam

There are no eyes within the soul of the leper
To guide his heart to grace.

Realizations

2005-03-06T17:00:00.000-05:00

I feel:

tired
hungry
sad
alone
lost

I am:

motivated
good-natured
blessed with friends
focused
lucky to have food in the house

Have to keep making the distinctions that what you feel isn't always how things are. I have a lot to offer, I am a good person, I am loved.

When There Are No Words

2005-03-01T20:40:00.000-05:00

Sometimes there things that happen in your life that words just can't connect to - well, not adequately. I am feeling that now. I have this great big empty that's chasing me like an evening shadow on a bike. I think I am pretending to not see it so that it won't bug me.

But it does.

Please Stand By

2005-02-27T11:47:00.000-05:00

So the words haven't magically arranged themselves in my head. The only chasing around here is the rats (my kids, if you've just joined in) running around the dining room table. But I have to say I am enjoying not thinking about writing right now. Spending time with the boys is good stuff.

>>Randomia: The original version of New Order's Blue Monday, released in 1983, is the biggest selling 12-inch single ever.

A Title That Words Won't Do Justice

2005-02-25T21:30:00.000-05:00

Il n'y a aucun dieu, mais Dieu.
Il n'y a aucun amour, mais amour.
Il n'y a personne, mais de vous.

It is NOT better to write bad poetry than to not write at all. Especially when it feels forced. I hate that. the forced thing, that is. I know I have something in me right now. Sort of brewing and storming in my head. It's going to spew forth soon. Well, I hope it is.

Poetry just has to be. There is talk of being a good writer, needing to write every day. I'm sure for novelists that holds true. I can't say (from my perspective) that it holds true for poets. I'm bound to have people disagree with me and that's fine. I just know for me that there is a zone that I am led to (that is the essence of how I feel) and that there is an image or idea that gets clearer as I get deeper in that zone.

"Well if you wrote more, you'd be able to get back there readily." Nope - quantity does not produce quality. Not a matter of practice. Just a matter of being able to run with it when the thoughts fall into place and I have good things happening.

I look back at some of my better poems (yes, I think I have written some crap) and wonder how I came up with it. Sometimes it is almost like I am posessed, and have no memory of writing it once I finish. A lot of what I do write are songs - not that there's anything wrong with that. Just happens that I play bass & guitar.

So I will go back to bed, let the words chase themselves round in my head. Perhaps in the morning the vision will be there and I will have my inspiration.

Rhythm

2005-02-17T16:09:00.000-05:00

Inside the catastrophic soul
The uneasy tempo
of a heart
echoes
amid litter
of longings before
where daylight once shone
now only shadowy
feelings of
sorrow
sit silently
bearing the burden
of lovers and loss and logic
justifying existence
for being
alone
but never
believing that love
can e'er be found if sought.
Do not ask for the
impossible
when
the miracle
that you once knew
dances like sparks crackling
from logs on the fire
burnt again
when
you reached
to touch the flickering
flame burning with vengance.

~Peter Damian Harzewski ©2-8-2005

OK, So Who Wants To Get Laid??

2005-02-12T22:21:00.000-05:00

Today a friend referred to a gentleman acquaintance's motivation being that he "probably wanted to get laid." As a man, I quietly asked myself "well, duh - who doesn't?" But I realized the context, and stepped back to examine more fully what this really means to me.

I am a man. I like sex. So far so good. But here's where the incredulous headshake comes in on your part. I'm going on record to say I do not believe I have ever gone out to meet someone soley for the purpose of knocking boots.

What?

Yeah, it's true. I'm a bit of a throwback I suppose. Sort of old-fashioned & gentlemanly. A nice guy. Former Boy Scout. Fairly clean-cut. But does this make me a prude or dysfunctional? Not at all. I guess if all I wanted was a sure-thing for one night only, there are ways to pay for it. But I'm not about that.

I like to say to my friends "I may be easy, but I'm not cheap." The other side of that coin should read "...and I'm actually pretty damn picky." If a woman captures my fancy, then I am usually examining the potential of a relationship. And if she is someone with whom I wouldn't want to be involved in a relationship, why even go anywhere else with it?

Guys are dogs, you say. Yeah, we are. Pack animals. In the company of the pack, we all howl, we all talk the tough talk and boast about what we could do with that little number in the corner. Truth is, get most any one of us alone and the behavior changes.

So I am willing to wait for when the situation is right, the person is right, and everything will be right.

Grimly I Beseech Thee

2005-02-12T01:11:00.000-05:00

Lo and behold, he hath returned. Even in this hour of darkness, he finds the ability to blog.

Yeah it was a sucky day all around. I really do not want to get into the details this time. If you know me, you know what fires me up and what gets me down. Today despite all the sunshine & blue skies, I was brought down to my knees. Twice.

I am starting to let it go, but all I really want to do is sleep all day. And eat potato chips. I don't think hacking into porn sites will make me feel any better. (Did I say that out loud?? Damn - don't even realize what the hell I am doing...)

You Owe Me a Coke

2005-02-08T23:00:00.000-05:00

...If it wasn't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all.

If you had the luck of the Irish
You'd be sorry and wish you were dead
You should have the luck of the Irish
And you'd wish you was English instead!

We place so much weight on luck. We give credence to the belief that good luck or bad luck follows us, cycles around us, and factors in the daily occurrences of our lives.

There have been good things that have been happening on occasion, mostly random things that were unplanned. But the things I have thought about, have hoped for? I'm pretty much 0-for-everything. I have the Schleprock factor working for me. Witness the following:

- Buffalo Bills: 0-4 in the Super Bowl

- Buffalo Sabres: 0-2 in Stanley Cups

- Voted for Gore

- Voted for Kerry

- Wanted Letterman to replace Carson

- Bought stock in Commodore instead of Microsoft

You get the idea. But maybe my luck is changing. The Red Sox won the World Series. Phil Mickelson won the Masters. I rooted for both.

Baby steps. Take what you can. ;)

About Damn Time

2005-02-07T01:19:00.000-05:00

I should offer an apology for my absence. I just didn't feel inspired or motivated to write about anything, I've been busy with both jobs and felt absolutely uninteresting. What changed? Some interactions with a wonderful person - a true visionary soul who made me realize my worth (or rather, reminded me of it.) And some music I discovered by Imogen Heap. I have placed a lyrics link on my blog. Her voice just stirs things within me - fear, hope, desire, loss, pain, release. It just clicks with me.

Also, a very dear friend is now in Iraq, just outside the Baghdad airport. This is her first active deployment downrange in her 15+ years in the military. She is excited, I am nervous. But like the second-string QB who finally gets some real game experience, THIS is what she has trained for. Her reason for being in the Army. All I want is for her to come home - hopefully intact. Keep her and all our other soldiers in your thoughts.

Lastly, at 129,000 miles, the "service engine soon" light just came on my '99 Nissan Altima. I hate the thought of spending large sums of $$$ to find out I need my gas cap replaced. I hate cars.

Holiday Rush

2004-12-28T21:52:00.000-05:00

Man what a crazy-ass time of year. From Thanksgiving, to my birthday, to Xmas, then New Year's - it is a BLUR! I bare ly have time to recover from one when the nexy is upon me. A season of potential migraines. I'm actually kind of glad I am no longer the drinker I was, that would only make me more miserable.

OK - I haven't been at this in a while, but I suppose it is always the best thing to work from the top of my head. There's nothing there.

Seriously - just hanging with the kids all week, and I haven't a cynical or funny thought. Nothing interesting to share. Or am I just content with what I have and want to keep it all to myself?

Either way, all quiet here. And that's a good thing.

My Birthday

2004-12-19T10:40:00.000-05:00

Happy Birthday to Me!

Time to reflect on another year shot to hell. No, not really. It just amazes me how quickly time goes by. I'm 36 now. Closer to 40. And mentally starting to feel age becoming a factor. I don't like that. I don't think of it in terms of mortality - I mean who wants to live forever? But it's frustrating to realize you have some limitations because your body just doesn't respond the way it used to. Can't get by on 3 hours of sleep. Just can't.

But it's also a good time to reflect on all that the past year has brought me - great times watching my kids grow up, good friends & new friends. Love found & lost. All the things that make a life worth living. It's the total experience. I'm lucky to get to live it.

All I can hope for is that each day is a little better than the one before, and not to worry if it isn't since there's another one coming.

38 Questions

2004-12-19T01:56:00.000-05:00

38 Questions: Taken from Ali, who took it from someone else, who took it from somewhere else, and so on and so on...

1) Name the last four things you have bought:
1. A brown shirt at Old Navy
2. 3Rescue Heroes characters
3. sour cream
4. salsa

2) Name four drinks you regularly drink:
1. milk
2. coffee
3. diet coke
4. White Trash Margarita (tequila & Mountain Dew)

3) Last time you cried? last Saturday

4) What’s in your cd player? Robert Palmer - Heavy Nova

5) What’s under your bed? Two storage boxes full of off season clothes, a Thomas the Tank Engine, one sock

6) What time did you wake up today? 8:35am

7) Current hair? short brown shag

8) Current clothes? blue plaid PJ pants, blue Greyhound Rescue T.

9) Current desktop picture?Shirley Manson.

10) Current worry? What next (don't ask.)

11) Current hate? life is to short for hate.

12) Favorite places to be? with my kids, wrestling on the bed.

13) Least favorite place? Long Island.

14) If you could play an instrument? I do play guitar, bass, accordian. So if I could play one I currently don't? Irish (Uilleann) pipes

15) Favorite color(s)? Green.

16) How tall are you? 5'10"

17) Favorite expression? I see, said the blind man, as he picked up his hammer and saw.

18) One person from your past you wish you could talk to: Barbra Lyke - 7th grade teacher

19) Favorite day(s)? first day of 3-day weekend.

20) Where would you like to go? Right now? Aruba.

21) Where do you want to live when you get married? Again?

22) Favorite food? Porkcops & applesauace.

23) Color of most clothes you own: denim.

24) Number of pillows you sleep with? Four

25) What do you wear when you go to sleep? at least a shirt ;)

26) What were you doing 12am last night? strtuggling to get into bed

27) How old will you be in 10 years? 46

28) What do you think you’ll be doing in 10 years? Keeping my kids out of trouble

29) Do you have braces? No

30) Are you paranoid? Only when I'm not delusional

31) Do you burn or tan? Burn mostly. Not a fan of sun anymore

32) What is the brand of your wallet? what the? Who the F knows?

33) First piercing/tattoo? Ear in 1986

34) First enemy? Mark Cooper.

35) Last person you yelled at? Person driving car in fromt of me going 30 in a 55 zone.

36) Last crush? oh please...

37) Last thing you ate? Chips & salsa.

38) The last time you had sex it was...? too long ago

Heard Some Words

2004-12-14T09:10:00.000-05:00

Heard a song today that summed up so much, so many things that happened this year. I thought it very appropriate to share these words today.

Wilco - A Shot In The Arm
The ashtray says
You were up all night
When you went to bed
With your darkest mind
Your pillow wept
And covered your eyes
And you finally slept
While the sun caught fire

You've changed

We fell in love
In the key of C
We walked along
Down by the sea
You followed me down
The neck to D
And fell again
Into the sea

You changed
Oh, you've changed

Maybe all I need is a shot in the arm
Something in my veins bloodier than blood

The ashtray says
You were up all night
When you went to bed
With your darkest mind
You changed
Oh, you've changed

What you once were isnt what you want to be any more

©Jeff Tweedy & Wilco

Epilogue

2004-12-13T01:56:00.000-05:00

The alleged assailaint was apprehended, and remains in custody. I wait to find out whether this gets held over for trial, or if he pleads the case out.

0115 hrs at the Detective Desk

2004-12-10T01:49:00.000-05:00

Just got home from a long, interesting night. Capped it off by giving a statement at the town police department. Seems I foiled a robbery. Well, it wasn't a robbery until the suspect used force by assaulting me. Otherwise it was just shoplifting (lesson one - hope you're taking notes.)

I am fine. No injuries I think. My arm feels funny but it could just be the adrenaline amp that make me feel weird. He did smack me twice in the face and tried to slap the cellphone out of my hand.Now I have all the thoughts rushing in my head - "he could have really hurt me, what was I thinking. it's not my stuff, why did I confront him?" I don't think anyone really thinks of that at the time. So let's tell the story...

This guy walks up and asks about the TVs we had with the DVD players built in, so I tell him we moved them all to the front of the store. Even pointed them out. Cool, he says, and I go back to getting ready for the end of the shift. I look back over to the TVs and I see him pick one up and walk out the front door with it. Not run, just walk, like nothing was going on. Like paying for it was optional. And I admit for a moment or two I was dumbfounded. It was like in my head I was saying "did that guy just walk out the door with a TV? Sonofabitch! He did!"

And so I walked out after him. Again, not ran out but walked. This was all very surreal at the time. I remember muttering "what the fuck?" to myself as I walked out. So there's a car pulled up by the door and my first thought is note the plate number. I see this guy shoving the TV into the back of a two-door domestic car. There is a female driver behind the wheel. So I ask him if he's going to pay for the TV. I wonder if I really expected him to say "Oh yeah, I knew I forgot something..." Nope, not even close. Some nonsense comments that I'll not divulge. I suppose it could be funny, but it might be part of testimony later. Hell, maybe I shouldn't even tell this much detail...But I'll continue.

For whatever reason, I thought I should advise him I'd be calling 911, and presented my cellphone. Thereupon he tried to smack the phone from my hand and smack my face from my body. OK - that's when the "Oh Shit!" mode takes over and I decided it might be best to leave the area. but like a bad movie, I run into the store and into the front entrance doors - which are locked after 10pm. Thankfully he wasn't chasing me, and I was able to get help.

When we returned outside, the guy was seen running across the parking lot. The female had removed the TV from the car. All the rest is BS and stuff I'd rather not say to avoid maybe jeopardizing any part of the case. I would hope it all gets plead out and I don't have to testify, but I will if I need to.

Which brings me back to why did I do that? I guess you don't think, you just act on the type of person you are.I'd like to think I believe in doing what's right, that good should triumph over evil, that there may not be an immediate reward to every good action but you do it anyway. I have values that make me who I am and in times like this you realize what it's all aboutSome of you will say "what about your kids - you might have been shot, or blah blah blah..." True. but I think living the way I do transfers to them a set of ideas & ideals, an attitude towards life & people, and hopefully, a sense of wanting to always do the right thing.

Realizing that, and the fact that I could have been hurt also brings something else to mind - I miss my family. I miss being a family. I don't want to die leaving my family fractured. I want the chance to do the right thing. I want to be with my boys every day. I want to take care of them, take care of my family and grow old with them. I want the chance to share that love each and every day. I've learned from my mistakes, I've become a better person. I know what is important to me, and I know there is more than enough love in my heart for the rest of a lifetime.

Did my whole life flash before my eyes? I don't think so. I hope my whole life is ahead of me.

Nothing Says Christmas Like a Haiku

2004-12-02T23:12:00.000-05:00

crystals of newness
fall to cover my landscape
the earth is reborn

* * * * * * * * *

perhaps Scrooge was right
and the holiday season
is naught but a chore

* * * * * * * * *

gleaming and beaming
the face of the child lights up
brighter than my tree

* * * * * * * * *

I give you my heart
I have nothing else to give
My gift is my love

PDH
12/20/2003

$1.87 for Regular

2004-11-30T22:50:00.000-05:00

I was excited to find a gas station with regular under $1.90. Wow - first time in a while it's been that low. I almost called someone to tell them "yeah guess what? I'm paying $1.87 right now for regular. What did YOU pay?" I'm a dork like that sometimes. But I can also remember 2 years ago when gas made the last jump to stay over $1.00. It's funny. Many of us recall our parents commenting "I remember when gas was 35¢ a gallon..." and we thought they were corny. Now here we are.